Sunday, May 27, 2012

The Onion, France Take Control of New York Wine and Culinary Center

NEW YORK - The Onion, America's Finest News Source, took control of the Upstairs Bistro officially last Friday at the New York Wine & Culinary Center in Canandaigua. Their their usual sarcastic flair, they reopened the restaurant with a new name, a new look, a new menu, and a new wine list.

With the Euro crashing all around their ears, French officials joined the with The Onion to take over the restaurant in order to save the floundering European currency, the wobbling new French government, and of course, to have a great laugh at the expense of New York wine makers.

Officials at the Onion insisted that the formerly named "Taste of New York", had "the whole all-local concept" which was "dried-up, over the hill, and just plain out of date. No one is interested in local anymore. It's played out. No one does local anymore. Can you say dinosaur? That was so last century. You want local? There's a McDonald's right down the street."

As before, the Upstairs Bistro includes a bar area, main dining room, and seating on a wrap-around deck overlooking New York's famed Canandaigua Lake. The decor features brighter more European colors, proudly displaying the French flag, and a French wine bottle with flowers at each table.

The new menu includes reasonably priced starters and salads, escargot, foie gras, pate', beef encroute, and crepes! Nothing is local. It's all flown in from around the world. "No expense or carbon footprint is big enough to satisfy our need for quality produce and products. None of this farmer John crap. Forget out of state, if it's from the US we don't want it," said one proud official.

The menu will be in French. And you can order any second or third rate Bordeaux or Burgundy you wish to have. And if you're really ignorant, they'll pawn off a bottle of $6 Nouveau off on you for a measly $30!

Following the leads of regions like Bordeaux and Tuscany, (where American wines are served in copious amounts to pair with local foods)the wine list was re-engineered. They cut back on all that local swill with stuff floating around in it, that was recently featured in Wine Spectator and Wine Enthusiast and the New York Times, and replaced with with all the drainage fluid the Europeans refuse to drink, insisting they could pawn off on unsuspecting ignorant American tourists.

Said one French official, "International cuisine is where it's at. Especially right here in the heart of New York wine country. People get tired of drinking all that celebrated New York wine all day. We have them come here for a taste of Italy, or Spain, or Hungary....especially Greece. The Greeks really need our help right now. Those Moussaka eaters are going to sink the whole European continent. And of course we have Irish beer to help with the current debt caused by those drunken sods. We have to help them export their beer, because otherwise they'll drink it all. And you need to fill up on all that cheap French wine we would never actually drink ourselves. You people don't know the difference, so your better off that way."

The wine list will now features bottles from France, Italy, New Zealand, Chile, and even California. All wines that really represent the New York Wine Country.

Californians were pleased to be included in the gold rush. "We added them just to stick it to the New Yorkers. We thought that was a really nice touch, don't you?" chirped one Onion official.

Reportedly, the Italian contingent, who where outbid by the French, were particularly peeved. "No one eats French any more. Let's be honest, all those heavy sauces? People haven't been eating that pig slop for 30 years. Pasta is where it's at. Pizza. They only won because their government is less broke than ours. Luckily, the French owe us money, so we were allowed in. Finally, we have some place to get rid of all that Italian $5 Chianti that we sell on AM radio with those torturous 15 second spots. We are happy with that."

Asked why New York was their target, Onion officials commented, "C'mon, it's so easy. New York wine is really hot right now. It's not only found on almost every wine list in NYC today, they've gotten too many great scores and reviews in the newspapers and magazines, and they've even made head way into London and Beijing as well. What better way to tweak New York; send a bad message to consumers; and to completely bastardize a culinary center erected to celebrate all the good things New York state has to provide, than to take their culinary institute, and trick it out with other region's wines? You'd have to absolutely be tone deaf not to know that it would piss people off. You gotta slap these puppies in the nose and tell 'em to sit down. Precocious little twerps."

"And of course, the French and Italians threw tons of worthless Euros our way. And they promise to feed us for a month (except for those pompous dicks on the Fifth Floor of the Waverly Building). What's better than to give a hand-up to failing countries like France and Italy? We threw in New Zealand because they promised the wait staff a free trip to see where they made the Lord of the Rings trilogy." When asked about Chilean wines, the Onion official scoffed, "That was fun. They were desperate, so we made them buy the French flags to decorate the restaurant with. Five big flags, not the little, cheap ones, but the big, expensive canvas ones. We really made them pay through the nose."

Asked what had happened to "Taste of New York" Culinary Center officials blamed the competition: "There are too many local restaurants here. Good ones, serving quality food, like Suzanne's and Red Newt Bistro. We even served free peanuts and pretzels at the bar, but it didn't do it."

Napa Culinary Center officials were so concerned with these events, there are reports that they have considered joining forces with Mad Magazine, and are considered expunging their wine lists of their pune juice with a shot of vodka in it they call wine, for more authentic sake', Japanese beer, and whiskey. Suntory is considering buying the naming rights to the venue.

Burgundian restaurant officials have held emergency meetings to consider a similar course of action. Un-named sources reported that the Burgundians had decided to import Chilean wines for their lists. Apparently, with a wealth of Cabernet Sauvignon and Malbec on their wine lists, it would be a great way to annoy those pompous tools, the Bordelais.

Pride of New York officials could not be reached for comment, as they were reportedly under heavy sedation.

The menu and the wine list are available at: