Thursday, May 31, 2012

French Routed in Canandaigua/Western New York for Second Time in Four Centuries, The Onion Also Withdraws; NYWCC Saved

An attempted French invasion, spurred on by the staff at The Onion, America’s Finest News Source, of the New York Wine Culinary Center was repelled over the weekend in upstate New York. Like the Kamakazi winds that the ancient Japanese believed protected their islands from invasion, a massive gust of common sense blew through upstate New York last night, and smote the vile French occupiers that had temporarily squatted at the Culinary Center. Like the French of the mid-1700s, good ole militia came though to rout the heavy sauce laden foreigners, and repelled them for a second time from the region in four centuries.

Local people were amazed at what had been left behind. Found among the wreckage of the fleeing French were ornate duck presses, Le Cruset pots and lids in lots of cool colors, giant blocks of French cooking butter, tapes of Jacques Pepin, huge vats of heavy sauces, and many books printed in that vile, foreign tongue. Other artifacts were also uncovered from other accompanying groups like the Italian and Chileans. Large container sized shipments of pasta were discovered as well as a cache of Chilean sea bass.

New York vintners celebrated the great victory by opening bottles all over the state in honor of the momentous routing of the would-be invaders. Tasting room fees were still in effect, and case discounts were observed.

The French, Italian, Spanish, and Chilean embassies were shuttered in order to prepare for any unrest outside their gates as large crowds gathered. Protestors lit large bond fires from mountainous piles of bad wine marketing materials. The crowds chanted, “U – S – A” and spoke of the previous French defeat at the hands of the US and British forces in the mid-1700s. Some went as far as impromptu showings of “Last of the Mohicans” starring Daniel Day Lewis on personal dvd players or on their iPhones. Mr. Lewis could not be reached for comment.

Staffers at The Onion were reached for comment, where one shrugged, saying, “It was a fun gag, but it was one note,” before refusing further comment. Later, the news agency issued an official statement, claiming it was not a defeat but merely a tactical withdrawal “in order to pursue much more comically rich material from the Roomney campaign for US President.”

The New York Wine and Culinary Center went back to work, all conditions normal, with a stellar wine list filled with great New York wines. A wonderful place to dine, and discover the richness of the region.